~ I nervously sat in the waiting room and silently contemplated how perfectly stacked the books were, the strange topics they covered and the assortment of items in the room. Puzzles, sudoku, security door to get to the patient rooms. The room felt like it had been designed as one giant distraction to the overly anxious. The music made me want to drill holes in my ears.
~ We discussed my family history. Did my biological father leaving when I was a baby impact me? Nope. Did my parents drink or fight or abuse me? Nope. Did the large age gap between myself and my siblings cause resentment as I’d spent so long as an only child? Nope. This all made me incredibly uncomfortable. She picked up on this. Apologised for analysing me. Explained it was important to know my background. Just seemed to amplify the feeling for me that I had no reason to be there.
~ We spoke about how my brain works. How the overarching voice in my head is the critic. Why I feel worthless. How I have a virus called no self worth but that it can be cured. About the perfectionist. That she’d teach me how to change the cycle.
~ We talked science. We talked about the chemicals in my brain and what’s feeding them and how the cycle works.
~ We talked thoughts and feelings and behaviours and values. Reward and punishment. Food. Relationships. Validation of beliefs. Validation of worth. I knew all these things already, just not how to break the cycle. She asked me how much therapy I’d done already. I scoffed and she was impressed I figured half this shit out on my own. I explained that it was only because the critic consistently pulls me apart. I know my flaws inside out.
~ We spoke about school. About being intelligent. About the number of people who walk into her office from a selective school background who have trouble with their sense of worth. A consistent pattern. How intelligence and perfectionism can be your own destruction.
~ We spoke about just how loud my critic voice really was. How people tend to change their behaviours based on job well done because they experience reward. We spoke about how my critic quickly screams fraud and how this cycle is becoming destructive.
~ We’re going to talk more science next time. Thoughts, feelings, behaviours and values.
~ I like that she coaches and leads me rather than try and explain or give me answers. She gets me to think. A++ life skill. Massive respect. I think this lady is very very good at what she does.
~ I have homework. Mindfulness homework.
~ I’m looking forward to next time. I’m happy I invested the time in finding someone who would suit me and waiting for an appointment rather than going to some knob who made me lose faith in yet another profession.
~ Would recommend. Pleased.
Sitting in the waiting room for my psych appointment and I really feel like a bit of a fraud sitting here. I got back from holidays just yesterday. I’m pretty darn happy and relaxed right now and don’t particularly feel like talking about the yucky stuff.
Poor timing Lauren, poor timing.
I should go away for long periods of time more often. House cleaned and vacuumed, lawns mowed, bed made and a whole pile of Reeses Easter bunnies, eggs and peanut butter cups waiting for me.
Fantastic husbanding A++ skillz.
I’m going to miss being able to train with Kels every day.
Now taking applications for training buddies. Central Coast location, minimal cardio required, will work out in metal blasting gym with decent gentlemen folk to eyeball if necessary. Please forward your resume to my inbox.
The thief replied that I could have just asked nicely and then proceeded to block me on Instagram, presumably to continue to distribute her lies in peace. This was before she made a poorly formed argument that the product worked and they had no need to steal progress photos.
She also let me in on the little gem that her distributor sent her the images to use, so no doubt my progress is selling It Works! Skinny Wraps far and wide. Alas, I lost interest in pursuing it any further after the initial thrill of shit-stirring imbeciles from the internet wore off.
The benefit of being an adult is gelati for breakfast. Sticky date and cheesecake flavours to start the day.
(I have to start cutting for this meet/life tomorrow. I am le sad that I can’t live off donuts and ice cream and fish tacos forever.)
60kg bench from today. Aw yiss look at those plates.
My set up makes such a difference. My arch combined with my stumpy arms means I have such a small range of motion which is kind of awesome. I’ve been doing a metric fucktonne of paused work so I’m pretty confident I’ll get this up in my meet, if not more.
Volume volume volume is doing good things for me!
Not when you take them.
But when you are at a festival surrounded by people tripping off their head, they prove rather entertaining.
We powered through bench, deads, good mornings and hang cleans and then I cooked us mega breakfast. Chorizo sausages, eggs, haloumi, bacon, asparagus and tomatos PLUS a flax muffin. We had to nap afterwards but now we are SO READY!
For the consumption of our ears today:
KC and the Sunshine Band
Dave Matthews Band
Jake Bugg is also signing but I get the feels he would be incredibly awkward.
I AM EXCITE.
Highlights from this mornings session include hitting my 60kg bench again, Kels hitting her dead 1rm of 100kg for a double and every single person in the gym staring at us whenever we touched a barbell. Also the PT at the gym helping us with cleans and complimenting us every two seconds. Nice fellow.
Gym fails include everyone benching with their feet on the bench, spotters standing on a box to spot, quarter reps on bench and a man climbing and hanging his whole body off the top of the cable machine to do bodyweight rows (I wish I got a picture of this. Seriously. His feet were two metres off the ground wedged into the top of the rack. Why).
Donuts and burgers and music, oh my!!
~ “Hi I’m Passenger but you can call me Mike. Fucking hell…. whoops. Sorry.” You know a gig is going to be fantastic when this is the opening line.
~ Seriously he was fucking beyond amazing.
~ We lined up for a million hours to meet him and just missed out but the line itself was probably a top 5 festival highlight. It was hilarious. Everyone asked what we were lining up for. My answers included pizza, eternal life, immortality and “I’m in a line?!”
~ He was so so so so fucking funny. And beautiful. And funny. I cried a bit and laughed a bit and several thousand people sung their hearts out and it just made me so joyful.
~ Also saw Kasey Chambers (actually good don’t judge you a-holes), Booker T. Jones, Ozomatli (fabmazing) and a brilliant set from Michael Franti in which he encouraged everyone to take their shirts off.
~ Also sat opposite Brendan Cowell at lunch (an Aussie actor) and scratched our heads as to how we knew the guy and then a lady aggressively fan stalked him. Awk.
~ Great day.
Three levels of burgers: Sheila Burger, Blokes Burger, Big Blokes Burger. We went the Big Blokes.
This burger is “big blokes” aka for Lauren and I
Ps I’m not driving
Passenger. Appropriate as today we see Passenger.